Grass Roots Open Writers


Funny Stories
(and saucy humour)

 16 May 2013


ACCIDENT REPORT


On being called to an accident, I proceeded to the bus stop at Swiss Cottage.  A No. 268 was parked a few feet from the bus stop and I entered to make my report.
 
The only injury to report was the loss of a front toot from a denture.
 
A rather small old man had been sitting on the back seat when a car ran into the rear of the bus.
 
This caused the passenger to be shot forward and on to the floor of the 268.  As he landed on his hands and knees, his glass eye shot out and rolled under the seats.
 
The passenger started to crawl along the floor searching for his glass eye with his one remaining good eye, using one hand on each seat and the other in a sweeping motion.
 
Half way up the bus, a young lady wearing a rather short skirt, sat reading a newspaper and was unaware of the little fellow approaching, as her newspaper obscured her view.
 
When the old man reached her seat, he inadvertently touched her knee.

This caused the lady to yell out in shock.

As she did so, her foot shot out and made contact with the old man's front dentures.
One fell out.
 
The lady dropped her paper which covered the little old man and the driver came rushing to her assistance.
 
He saw an animated newspaper moving like some strange animal in front of the lady.
 
As the driver rushed to her assistance, he stepped on a a small round object on the floor which caused him to slip and fall onto the lady.
 
A statement was taken from a lady waiting at the bus stop.
 
She stated that the female passenger hurriedly left the bus looking quite dishevelled.
 
As the passenger left the scene, she told the witness not to get on that bus, as an old man had groped her.... then the driver threw himself on her - and joined in......
 
After completing my accident report, I proceeded to Cricklewood for a cup of tea.
 
David Rex

 


The story which follows could happen to anyone but it needs one to see the funny side of it and get it down in writing:


My wife and I had moved in to an old London house with rather faulty plumbing.  To set the scene: we had little money and had a rescue dog which was half greyhound and half a 57 variety.  It (this dog) figures on what took place when we had to call in a plumber to repair a leaking pipe in the kitchen.

The dog, we called long nose and later shortened to longy. Like all healthy dogs he sported a nice wet nose. When the plumber arrived, I explained that we had little money and as it was just a minor leak, could he keep the price down.

My wife took the dog up to the bedroom before I opened the front door.  My idea was to watch the man wile he was working in our kitchen and try to learn how to do it myself in the future.

The plumber wore those rather low fitting trousers, and he also had a very small and totally bald, shiny head.  Although he had agreed to my terms, he seemed rather uneasy about my watching him at work, which took some time.

The leaking pipe was under the steel draining board. I was rather worried that his bald head could be cut on the sharp edge so I foolishly asked if he had a hat.  As he was positioned on his knees and his hipster trousers were getting a little too low. 

He seemed to think my "hat" question was a little over personal.  His impatient glance back seemed to question my watching....but I stood my ground: I needed to learn.

I decided that I could save his head from being cut if I thought he was getting up to fast. At last he was almost finished and was about to get out from under the draining board.

At this terrible moment our dog escaped from the bedroom and silently, he passed by me and placed his wet nose on the bottom of the plumber..... 

It all then went into slow motion and I lunged forward, to hold down the plumbers bald head which slipped round to face me!

The dog promptly disappeared in the commotion and the plumber yelled,

"What the hell are you up to?"  I blurted out,

"So sorry....it was my longy."

He told me I was a sick pervert and as he left, he said he would send me a big bill.

David Rex








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